Komorebi.

The alarm was set for 05:45. When the alarm goes off that early you have two options, either; immediately throw your legs over the side of the bed and propel yourself into a position that loosely resembles that of somebody that is awake or barely open your eyes, let your sleeping hand emerge from under the safety of the duvet and fumble around for your phone, crack one eye just enough to make out the off button and then rollover, back to sleep, as if the alarm never happened. I am both happy and surprised to say that this morning I was able to execute the former.

I’d decided, just five minutes before getting into bed last night, that I’d set an early alarm and get out in the morning sunshine for a run. And I’m so happy that I did. It’s Summer! The towpath was busier than I’d expected but still by no means busy. The odd jogger and a handful of conscientious dog walkers getting out before it becomes too hot to trot.

The sun was magnificent, I have to assume that she’s a genius. Pulling shapes, unapologetic. A burning desire to burst her way through every space imaginable. Streaming through the leaves, casting lines that were at once both undeniable yet hardly there at all. Now I can say that I’ve seen gold, real gold. I squinted my eyes and smiled. And not a smile for the camera! smile, this was a real smile. An I’m-alive-smile.

I drove home, windows down, talk-radio played soft, a white noise. The heat was already picking up so I decided that as soon as I got home I’d get the dog out for a walk. I was soaked through to my socks due to the morning dew, but the cool sensation was welcome at this point. The dog turned his head to look up at me, I knew exactly what he was saying, and he was right, It was beautiful.

As if to test the authenticity of my joy, or the strength of my smile, I arrived home to accusations of selfishness. I was being presented with a dossier of neglect that apparently spanned four days! I listened in disbelief as my crimes were listed, then came my turn to defend myself. Which perhaps foolishly I attempted to do. I didn’t get very far though before I was being spoken over, my words were useless. I apologised, not to be done with the interaction but because I could see that my actions (or lack-thereof) had caused genuine distress. And for that I was sorry.

I don’t believe my apologies were heard and before the conversation could progress any further she was out the door and starting up the engine.

I didn’t like the interaction. Didn’t make me feel good. Want to do better. But, as I sit now, in the garden, with a cup of coffee. I can safely say that my joy and smile passed the test and are indeed authentic and strong. Today was and still is a beautiful one.

(My run was soundtracked by The Clash - London Calling (Remastered))

Hyper-Calm.

Did you ever wake up and remember to take your time?

It didn’t happen instantly, but within an hour of being up I caught myself, hand outstretched reaching for the door. You’re here, this is how it is, breath, look around, don’t try to understand, observe, let it be. Felt incredible, in a calm way. Felt lucky.

The Acer tree is burning against a backdrop of green. The dog trots in looking for some love. People talk about Los Angeles. New friendships are hard to form but right now they’re appealing. An advert for emergency food interrupts the podcast, people getting ready and they don’t know what for.

Some days I feel uncomfortable with how I spend my time. Not today though. I walked with my shoulders back, mid morning, not a care.

We Hear You.

The dog never wants to tread foot on the loose stoned pathways in the garden, never has. He makes a flamboyant show of springing over them, to land gently onto the safety of the lawn. But for why I have no idea. What is it about the stones? They’re the soft kind, smooth pebble like stones. So surely they’re not hurting him. I love him so much. Did he learn it from me? Did I used to leap over the stones to get to the lawn in an attempt to make myself seem like a funner prospect to him. Back when he was merely months old and would look at us, unsure of our dog owning credentials. I don’t know why he does it but I love that he does. I wonder what my stone pathway in life is? What do I avoid at all costs?

We had our first meeting with the local midwife team today. Cool, calm, supportive and knowing. Pull your chair up, come listen to the heartbeat. The heartbeat!? As in!? And then there it was, like morse code, I am here. There was something so confident about that heartbeat, something defiant, independent. 155bpm, the same tempo as Queen - Don’t Stop Me Now. Oh we won’t, little one. You just keep on doing what you’re doing. Grow, in peace, know that you’re loved, rest.

How is it in there?

Sat In The Garden.

The road I took was a gentle one and somehow felt as if it had been laid for me and me alone. The forest stood full and lush either side of the car. I pushed my sunglasses up and off my face, in an attempt to better understand the branches above me obscuring the sky, leaves and sunshine danced between and around one another. So far this year, summer’s been an elusive thing but today there is no doubt, she’s arrived and she’s welcome.

The driving range was quiet, I took my time. Looked out at the targets, I felt content.

The world is changing, because of course, it must. I drove past an elderly neighbour earlier today, a woman In her late eighties, stood waiting for the bus. She leaned, just slightly, into her walking frame. She seemed to be smiling to herself, as if she knew something. And I have no doubt that she does. The world might be changing but I can’t imagine wisdom is.

See Me Smile!

A private tour of the soon-to-open theatre. A refurb reported to have cost in the region of £26m, which is a difficult number to get your head around, but, having seen the space I believe every penny is justified. This town is now the proud home of a truly incredible creative space. A space for community. I felt so inspired! I felt proud, fortunate and protective.

I walked with purpose, a solar powered smile on my face. Blue skies should be prescribed. Let’s keep going! Let’s do it all.

Dinner with the family. The clock showed 9pm, I’ll be sad to see the day end.

Love & Support.

(16 Jun) Lazy morning, pillow talk lite. You go for a run, I’ll walk the dog, we’ll meet back at the car. A man made area of natural beauty, once-upon-a-quarry.

I wonder how they’ll take the news? They get to us at half past one, I wonder how they’ll take the news.

But why did I ever wonder? Most likely because I’ve never been here before, because there’s no dress rehearsal for this conversation. You’re going to be grandparents. And of course the news was met with nothing but joy, undiluted, double concentrated, joy. We all cried, glassy eyed and beaming. We all hugged, it was all we could do.

Some days are bigger than others.

Saw & Seen

Walking the track that leads out of the village, slow, insular and happy enough. I was struck, momentarily, by the beauty of it all. The storm came and went and left us what we hadn’t seen before. The dappling sunlight, making little miracles out of beech leaves. And the greens, so many different greens. I breathed it in, until of course I didn’t, distracted by myself. But for that moment, well, I was there, I saw it all.

We end our walks by sitting on a bench at the edge of the village green, me and the dog. I’ve got it to where he’s happy up there for close to ten minutes. We watch the poplar trees, I think about where I’m at and where I’ve been.

The slightly odd neighbour left his house and threw a wave my way, I like him. I was happy we’d been seen.

I Wanted Rain.

Drove back from the coast. Not before one last walk on the beach. Wind turbines out at sea, stood in silent rows, stoic observers. Do you see me? Round the corner we found the Seals, we stood, me and the dog, watching them. They certainly didn’t seem stoic, nor observing, if anything they seemed indifferent, unbothered, unfazed, it’s one way to be.

Old WWII bunkers, sinking into the dunes. Somebody told me the adders are out this time of year, but that’s more in land, right? Stop to watch it all. I’ll be leaving with one hour left on my parking ticket, can pass it on. Get back to the house, pack the car, get going.

I wanted rain. I wanted to drive in rain.

Often if i’m scared of something going on in my life, Voldemort will be in my dream, a physical manifestation of whatever abstract it may be that’s troubling me. And often if I dream of love, it will be represented by the first girl I ever loved, in my late teens. These two figures branded into my subconscious like cigarette burns on the back of a hand.

Good Luck, Play Well.

Driving down the coastal road. I ended up passing through a seaside amusement town, arcades, promenade, school trips and statics. An older couple sat in rain macs looking out over the North Sea. I turned the heating up in my car just a notch. I thought about old friends.

9 holes, 3 balls, 1 glove, 1 green sharpie; £39.48. “Good luck, play well.” The wind was up, the course was quiet. Swallows were flying, darting, free-falling, from here to there, at work, at play, at times a little too close. I said hello to the chap ahead of me as we passed between the 4th and 5th. I pissed in a cluster of trees. At the 8th I ate a tangerine.

To Begin, Begin…

We walked along the boardwalk, me and the dog.

The boardwalk, although only recently completed already feels familiar and comforting. It’s composite boards reaching out in front of us, cutting a course through the reeds and the sea rush. There was a calm in the world, a calm in myself. I could have walked that boardwalk for hours.

I felt connected to the past, not my own as such, an idyllic, fictional past. I was grateful for my four legged friend, I’d not have left the house yet if it wasn’t for him, I gave him a little dog treat from my pocket to say thank you.